The Trigger
by bookwormwithanattitude
Summary: An AU where Ed is unable to intervene and Winry ends up shooting Scar. This deals with the ramifications this has on the characters and Winry has to deal with doing something that goes against her values and also trying to discover more about the man she will now never get to speak to. Includes graphic violence and heavy discussion of murder and genocide. Updated with Chapter 3.
1. The Trigger

Late at night, even now, Winry would sometimes find herself picturing a world where Ed hadn't been hit. In this world, he would have gotten between her and Scar, and while Al took care of the fight, he would have talked her down in a frantic voice.

She probably would have found herself unable to shoot, maybe she would have dropped the gun or maybe he would have gently taken it from her…

He would have said something nice, she would have cried and they would have healed so much more quickly…

But that was not the world she lived in. It was just a dream.

In the world she lived in, Ed was interrupted before he could reach her and give any stirring words of comfort. And it had all gone to hell from there….

—-

Ed was yelling something at her, but it was drowned out by her own heaving sobs. Metal chilled her already clammy skin as she gripped the gun tightly. She hesitated on the trigger, her fingers slick with sweat. She was shaking so hard that she felt like her bones were rattling. Her throat and eyes burned and each gasp hurt like she was breathing in smoke.

It was something she'd never felt before, anger and hatred so intense she felt feverish, almost delirious- she had to find some way to expel the sickness before it consumed her, took over her body completely, and all she could think to do was end the life of the man in front of her, maybe that would help, maybe that would bring it to an end…

Maybe if she destroyed the source of all her pain, her life could somehow repair itself.

Ed vaulted over Scar's outstretched arm, scrambling to get at Winry. Scar's clawed hand, crackling with alchemical energy, followed him closely. It was all happening so fast-

Ed stumbled- just a little- when he landed on the ground. The smallest of missteps cost him dearly, Scar managed to graze the edge of his nose .

Ed's nose shattered in a spray of blood. He fell down to the ground with a gurgle of pain, clutching at his face, red quickly spreading across his white gloves.

Not even sparing a glance in Winry's direction, Scar advanced on his prey.

Winry felt something rise up inside her. It wasn't exactly a desire to protect Ed- not anything quite as selfless or pure as that. In all honesty, she knew Ed would be able to defend himself in time- he was already letting go of his face and clapping his hands together. Al was approaching from the other side, ready to ram into Scar.

No, what she felt was an ugly, jagged rage that cut through everything else. The smell of Ed's blood was so thick and bitter in the air that she felt suffocated by it, her nausea increasing as it overwhelmed her. It wasn't that she wasn't used to the smell of blood, her parents had often returned home smelling faintly of blood from their patients.

"Sometimes you need give something up, like a little blood, to feel a lot better," her mother had told her once.

But the last time her parents had come home with the stench of blood on them, it had been their own. And despite all they'd given up, they would never "feel better"- or feel anything at all again.

He'd taken it all. Every last drop of blood until her parents had nothing left- but he wasn't satisfied with that. He was still taking all the blood he could from her family, and he wasn't going to stop until he bled them dry.

All she could see now was the back of her parents' killer and her gun pointed directly at it, it filled her vision, blotting out anything else. It was all she could see, all she GOT to see. Because he wasn't glancing back. He was only focused on Ed.

Look at me!

She tried to yell it out, but she was sobbing too hard to form the words.

All of the backs receding into the distance…they'd never turned back to look at her, not for one second. They'd all been looking ahead at something more important than her. No need to glance back at the helpless little girl who could do nothing to stop them from moving on…

But she wasn't a little girl anymore. She…she could stop this monster. She… could stop him from ever moving another step forward…

Her finger shook over the trigger.

Look at me, damn it!

He wasn't going to. He wasn't going to turn around and face her, even as he raised his hand to end the life of one of the only people she had left.

Fine.

That was fine.

She raised the gun a little higher.

He'd ensured…he'd ensured their backs would be the last thing she ever saw of them…

So… she would ensure his back would be the last thing she saw of him.

With a snarling, sobbing scream that tore at her throat, she pulled the trigger, pulled it so hard that it bit into her finger.

Just as she did, Scar turned. It was as if he sensed the shot coming, but he didn't try to dodge it. Instead, he stood there, his shoulders relaxing. He closed his eyes and the bullet tore through his skull.

Blood splashed everywhere as Scar crumpled to the ground. The foul smell engulfed Winry so completely that bile flooded her mouth. The gun tumbled from her numb fingers and Winry doubled over, heaving and heaving, feeling like she would never stop. She felt someone's hands on her shoulders, someone gently pulling her hair back with one hand.

When she was finally able to look up, her throat raw and burning, her nose and eyes still running, she saw it was Ed, that he had his arms around her, he was supporting her, but his face was paper white and his lips were trembling. Al was standing a little behind him, at a loss for words.

"I'm sorry…I'm sorry…" Ed croaked, squeezing her tightly in a hug. It was hard to understand him through his smashed nose. …I'm sorry…it's okay…it's okay…"

"No, it's not," Winry said, her voice weak and scratchy. She couldn't feel her arms and legs. "It's not. I killed him."

"No, it's my fault…this was all my fault, you're fine, don't feel like…you're okay, it's okay," Ed was repeating it over and over again like a mantra. He pulled her closer, enveloping her, and the horrible, bitter smell of his blood enveloped her too. Her head spun, she could barely breathe, she shoved at him, pulling away. "Ed…don't…blood…"

"A-all right…sorry.. Um…I can…" he started to back away, but stopped when she didn't let go his hand. As the world swayed around her, it was something solid she could hold onto, an anchor to keep her tethered.

They stayed that way, holding hands in shaky silence, as the military men gathered around them.


	2. Women with Blood on Their Hands

She sat there, staring at the empty table before her, shivering. Ed had taken off his jacket and draped it around her. It was a nice gesture, even if they both knew she wasn't really cold.

There was questioning coming, she knew it. She'd be asked to recount what happened, over and over. Would there be a trial? Did they give you a trial if you killed a wanted man? She didn't want to be in a trial, but then the fact that this death would be shrugged about and written off as a piece of real luck that saved the military some extra work, that she and Al and Ed were probably the only ones that wouldn't see it that way…it disturbed her.

Ed seemed to be afraid to get near her ever since she'd shoved him away, so he and Al were hovering awkwardly on the other side of the table. Their staring was getting annoying.

"Sorry, but could you two…leave for a minute? I need some time alone to think before people get here."

Ed nodded. "Yeah, sure."

"Thanks."

They slipped outside the door. Winry heard them go a little up the hall, then heard them stop. They didn't seem to realize how their voices carried, because they immediately entered what was clearly supposed to be a "private" conversation.

"We need to find someone who can talk to her. I don't know what to say at all," Ed said weakly. "I'll probably just make things worse."

"You definitely would," Al said, automatically and matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, yeah. Look, I hate to say it, but we need an adult who can talk to her."

"The Colonel?"

"Are you kidding me? He has no idea how to talk to people who are upset! He'd probably just tell her that she can't just stand in place and sulk or something. If he didn't scream at her and shake her."

"I think you're projecting. He'd probably be nicer to Winry than he is to you."

"Do you want to risk that?"

"I know. You're right."

"What about the Lieutenant?"

"Oh, right, they're friends, aren't they?"

"She's also honest without being cruel."

"Okay, let's go find her. She's went back to her office after helping with Ling and Lan Fan, right?"

"No, I'll go. You keep watch here."

Winry considered going out into the hall and telling them not to bother Ms. Riza, but she couldn't find the energy to get up. Let them do what they wanted. She didn't care what happened to her anymore.

A little while later there was a soft knock on the door and Ms. Riza entered.

Winry looked dully up at her. She didn't know what she expected to see there- fear, anger, shock. But instead she saw eyes soft with understanding.

Ms. Riza, have you ever shot anybody?

I have.

She hadn't fully understood the weight of the question or the answer at the time. But now she did. And it connected them.

Her lips trembled, and unbidden, tears leaked out of her eyes. Riza crossed her side of the table immediately and put her arm around Winry. And when Winry fell towards her, sobbing, she drew her into a hug, letting Winry collapse into her chest.

Her arms were strong and warm and Winry felt protected, safe, cared for. It was an oddly nostalgic feeling, and Winry realized dimly it was how she'd felt when she'd been held by her mother. She hadn't been hugged like this in years. Granny was many things, but physically affectionate wasn't one of them.

"I'm sorry," Winry said after a while, detaching herself and wiping her eyes. "Sorry…"

"There's nothing to be sorry for," Riza said, keeping a gentle hand on Winry's shoulder.

"No, there is…there's so much…" Winry shook her head. "I looked down on you that time…because you had killed…but I…I did the same thing, I did it."

"What you did was not the same as what I did," Riza said firmly. "Edward said you protected him-"

"He's wrong," Winry spat, staring at the table. "I didn't do it out of feelings of wanting to save him. I was angry. I was angry at him for taking everything from me. That was all I felt. Just the rage."

Riza didn't even blink at this confession.

"I tried to tell Ed but he didn't….I'm not lying, okay? You have to believe me."

"I believe you," Riza said simply. "But that doesn't change anything, Winry. You shot him because you were placed in a horrible situation. I, on the other hand…It was my choice. I was older than you are now and I was not emotionally compromised. There was no anger or emotion in what I did. There was no loss that motivated me. I killed because I was given orders and I wasn't strong enough to see they were wrong. Your situation was something no one should ever have to endure. You lashed out because you were cornered and completely overloaded. That's a very natural, human thing. What we did? It…wasn't like that."

"You thought you were protecting to country, though," Winry muttered.

"I may have through that, but in my heart I knew I wasn't. It isn't the same, Winry. You didn't-"

"Don't say I didn't have a choice," Winry said snapped. She lifted her head up and glared at Riza. "Acting like I'm just some victim isn't going to make me feel better. I made the decision. It doesn't matter what the circumstances were, I made it."

Riza looked taken a back to second. She gave a sad, empty little smile. "You're right. I should have known better than to say that. After all, I hated it when people said it to me. It was your choice."

Winry felt some tension leave her muscles. There was an enormous sense of relief in hearing someone acknowledge it ….Ed and Al had been acting like they'd forced her to pull the trigger or something, like she hadn't even done it, really…it had just made her feel even more horrible, like she had killed a man because she was too weak to resist others.

"T-thank you," she said, wiping her eyes. Tear were coming again and she couldn't stop them. "Thank you…I don't know why it's so…important but…you really do understand…" She hiccupped a little as some hair fell into her eyes.

Riza took her gently by the chin and tucked her hair behind her ear. Her sad smile tightened as she examined Winry's red, chapped face.

"I…became a soldier because I didn't want the next generation to have to carry the burden of what we did in Ishval. I didn't want them to bloody their hands. I suppose it was naïve and arrogant of me to think I could truly accomplish that. I'm sorry, Winry. It's our fault you and Scar were in that situation. We should have been the ones to take responsibility and face him."

Winry shook her head. "I'm….I know it's wrong, but even with how it turned out…I feel like we needed to face each other. If you had been the one to face him, If I had never known, if HE had never known…it would have been even wronger, somehow." Her throat was aching from so much crying. She rubbed her eyes furiously. "But…I wish it could have turned out differently. I wish I could have…asked him why." She looked down and saw her hand was clenched linto a fist in her lap. "I still feel…so angry…it's eating me alive. Is that how he felt? When he killed my…? I'll never know now…"

Riza stopped stroking Winry's hair and instead put her hand softly over the clenched fist. "I really don't know. But I can understand why he was angry. He had a right to his anger, even if he killed the wrong people back then. And you also have every right to be angry. You should be angry at this situation we caused. I don't want you to blame or hate yourself for what happened here. if you need somewhere to direct it, hate and blame us."

The last declaration startled Winry. She looked up at the older woman.

There was something very raw in Riza's eyes, almost…vulnerable. It wasn't a word Winry had ever associated with Riza before. She'd always been this strong, imposing lady, all grown up with pierced ears and a thousand times tougher and wiser than Winry could ever hope to me. The difference between you and the Lieutenant is like the mud and sky, Ed had once said. And though she'd gotten mad at him for it, she's secretly agreed with him. Riza was a stately warrior woman who could endure the toughest battles, not some sensitive crybaby who had been coddled growing up out in the sticks. But now it felt like she had real power over Riza, like she was handing down her sentence. They were sitting here, equals. Women with blood on their hands…

Winry sighed and shook her head. "A murderer who hates the military because of Ishval?" She gave a bitter laugh. "Sounds like Scar. I don't think I should take up the mantle of the man I killed. It's not really right."

Riza blinked in surprise. Winry couldn't help but laugh again, though it sounded more like a broken little croak. "Ms. Riza, you're the one who convinced me not to hate all soldiers in the first place. You're not going to convince me to hate them again."

Riza smiled, and this time it wasn't an empty smile, though it was still sad. "Thank you, Winry."

Winry nodded. She unclenched her fist and flipped her hand over so she could hold Winry's. They sat there in silence for a while, the tears slowly drying on Winry's face as Riza gently rubbed her hand. Finally, Winry took a deep breath and looked at the door. "I guess I should go let Ed and Al know we can go home."

Riza nodded. "I know they're very worried about you."

The prospect of seeing the brothers still wasn't exactly inviting to Winry, but she reminded herself that Ms. Riza had a lot of work to do and she couldn't keep taking up all her time. She stood up with a heavy heart and let go of Riza's hand.

"Wait," Riza said. She took a pen and paper out of her pocket and scribbled something down. She handed the slip of paper to Winry. "This is my address and phone number. If you ever feel overwhelmed or need anything…you can come see me and talk to me any time. I won't always be home, so you should try to call first, otherwise you'll have to wait. But even if it's late at night, you can come. It's the least I can do."

Winry felt like she was going to cry again. She willed her tears to retreat and gave Riza a shaky smile. "Thanks. I'll probably take you up on that."

She opened the door with Riza at her back. Ed and Al were far down the hallway, waiting for her. She met Ed's eyes and she knew he must have noticed the dried tears on her face, because he once again looked like he was going to break from sorrow. She almost wanted to turn to Riza and beg her to let her spend the night so she didn't have to deal with him. But instead, she nodded goodbye at the woman who had also killed, and walked forward to go home with the boys who never would.


	3. No Going Back

There was a knock on her door. "Winry, please come out."

Winry just ignored it, staring numbly up at the ceiling. She wondered if Ed had timed his knocks to the hour. It was constant, him asking if she needed anything, or telling her she should eat or asking if she wanted to talk- once upon a time, she would have given anything for Ed to ask to talk. Now she just wanted him to go away. Didn't he understand how hard it was to be around him? Looking at his broken nose just made her remember it all. She could see the blood flying in the air, hear the crunch of the bullet going through Scar's skull, smell the smoke from the gun… she saw the guilt in his eyes and she felt the anger all over again. But this time, she wasn't sure who she was angry at.

So she preferred to just lie here. It had been three days, but her insides felt like they had been scraped raw. She had tried to eat at Ed's request, but it had all just come back up. She didn't feel like she could even move her body, or like she ever wanted to again.

The problem was that if she fell asleep. she dreamed of her parents. They loomed over her, wraith-like, with hollow eyes and regretful frowns.

_Why did you kill the man we saved? _They asked in sorrowful chorus. "_Our daughter should know that's not what we wanted. Our daughter should know not to destroy…"__  
_

She tried to beg forgiveness, but she couldn't find her voice.

_Now it was all for nothing….all our work…it was for nothing…our deaths…were for nothing….we died for nothing, thanks to you…_

She fell to her knees, clutching her head, but their voices would just drone on until she woke up in a cold sweat.

So she tried not to sleep. She kept her eyes open, her body tense. She tried not to think about anything because thinking always inevitably led to reliving, and she didn't want to relive, every one in a while it even occurred to her that she wasn't sure if she wanted to live at all…

The knocking got so loud the walls shook. "Winry!" Ed said in a strained, desperate voice. "Please, I need your help! It's an emergency!"

Something jolted in Winry's stomach and her body seemed to regain its ability to move. What had happened? She was stupid not to think of it…If Scar had been after Ed, surely other people were too. Had he been injured while she was in here laying like a slug? Was she going to lose him too?

She swung her legs over the side of the bed and lurched towards the door, ignoring the dizziness that came with getting up so suddenly. She hastily unlocked it and pulled it open.

Ed was standing there, smiling sheepishly. A quick once-over and she ascertained he wasn't bleeding, but his automail was just barely hanging onto his shoulder, it was just dangling there with a bunch of wires sticking out. Al was standing behind him, slightly slumped in a way that told Winry he was feeling uncertain about something.

Ed pointed at his automail. "Look, I broke it! I was just completely careless. You know me."

He swept into Winry's room and sat on her bed, the stupid smile still on his face. "Pretty frustrating isn't it? Me bothering you again." He nodded to himself. "I bet it makes you want to scream. You're going to have to fix it up and everything."

He tugged a little at the automail and it came off his shoulder completely. "Whoops!"

"Brother…" Al said in a warning voice, but Ed ignored held out the arm to her, but her eyes were fixed on his shoulder. She could see the transmutation marks.

Ed waved the arm a little in an attempt to get her to notice it. His smile was fading a bit. "Seriously. You know you want to punch me in the face right? Right in the kisser. I mean you love automail and I'm so terrible about mine. Don't you want to show me exactly what a jerk I am and get to work on this right away?"

She touched the arm lightly. Ed's grin widened again, his eyes eager. She felt the cool metal against her fingers and suddenly it felt like an entirely different metal- the metal of the gun against her hand as she pulled the trigger. She looked up at Ed and saw blood all over him again, Scar's blood, his blood, the smell was so overpowering she was going to throw up, right here. She shoved the arm away and took a step back, putting her hand over mouth.

"Winry…?" Ed asked, his eyes creased with concern.

Winry swallowed back the bile rising in her throat. "You're going to have to find another mechanic," she muttered.

The words felt heavy in her mouth. She would never be able to work on automail again, probably. She imagined her customers back at Rush Valley. How could she face them now? How could she call herself a healer when she'd taken a life? She couldn't even imagine being among them. She was too broken to help anyone anymore. She wasn't that person…that person she'd spent her whole life trying to be…she didn't deserve to do what she loved. She didn't feel like she had anything in her that could even feel love right now.

"What?" Ed sounded genuinely confused, like she was speaking another language.

"Winry…" Al said behind her, sounding lost.

"I said, find another mechanic from now on. I can't fix you anymore," Winry said, gulping painfully.

"But… no. I couldn't. Nobody else can….it has to be you. It's your automail, you're my mechanic," Ed said, his voice a little high. He looked like a goldfish to her, his mouth open, his eyes popping out of his head.

"There are plenty of mechanics more skilled than me and I know you can afford them. They'll make you better automail," Winry told him flatly.

"That's not true!" Ed said, jumping up, his face red. "You're the best! You are the greatest mechanic in the world!"

She almost wanted to laugh. Did he genuinely believe that or was he just trying to make her feel better? Her body shuddered harder the longer she had to talk to him. The smells of gunpowder and blood were just getting worse, and so were the bad feelings…

"You know that's not true," Winry said, as calmly as she could manage. "You've met Mr. Dominic and Mr. Garfiel. There are people who've been doing this far longer-

"It's not that! It doesn't matter if they're fancier or more experienced…you're…you make it like it's a part of my body! You know me! You know your customers better than they know themselves and you work so hard and nobody cares more than you, and that's why you're the best! I can't have anyone else do it, it won't…it wouldn't even work…" Ed was practically pleading with her. Once upon at time, it would have meant so much to hear those words from him. But she couldn't find any truth to it now.

She looked away from him, trying her best to keep her breathing steady. "Ed….stop it. I really can't do it anymore. You're going to have to just grow up and find a different mechanic."

"But…" his voice trailed off pathetically. " You…love this. You love fixing things. Winry, if you'd just try to fix it, I'm sure it would help you feel better, I'm sure…"

Winry's stared at him. Her shoulder began to shake. Her legs began to tremble. She stumbled back against the opposite wall and slid down, down, down until she was crumpled against it, her head bowed, her whole body shuddering.

"Winry!" Ed dropped his arm and ran towards her, his flesh-and-blood hand outstretched to comfort her. Al forced himself into the room and thudded toward her as well.

They both stopped dead when Winry looked up at them and they saw the ugly grin on her face. It was only then they realized she was shaking with suppressed laughter. And not the fun kind. The kind that chilled you to the bone.

"You think…" Winry chuckled. "You really think that's what I'm for, huh? I'm there to pick up the pieces of your broken body with a smile on my face. Piece you back together so you can immediately leave me to nearly get killed again. You're right Ed, it makes me feel so good inside. I just love it, that you only come to me when you need something. That you only come to me when you're falling apart. "

Ed dropped his outstretched hand, his eyes sad. "I didn't-"

"Hey," Winry said, wiping her streaming eyes. She could feel something swelling inside her. Her body had stopped shaking, but the smile was still frozen on her face. She felt like she had grown used to the smells now. She had to accept they were never going away. "Remember how it all started? Suddenly, you're on my doorstep covered in blood and Al's nothing more than a soul in a suit of armor. I had no idea it was coming. No warning. All I could think was "why didn't they tell me they were planning this?" I didn't realize then that was how it was between us. I was good enough to clean up your messes, over and over again, but I wasn't good enough to be told anything. It wasn't my business, after all. I was just there to deal with the aftermath."

"We never thought you weren't good enough!" Ed shouted frantically down at her. "You saved me, I know that! It was…you shouldn't have to be involved, we didn't want you to have to bear any more of the burden than you had to, Winry, and it's dangerous-"

Winry laughed again. It was a short of harsh, cold bark, not a sound she ever thought she was capable of making. "Oh, thank you Ed! You've done such a good job not involving me and keeping me out of danger."

Ed blanched.

"And you think things like you getting injured and Mr. Hughes's death don't burden me?" Winry snarled at him from her crouched position, clenching her fists. "But no! I'm so uninvolved! I guess I can't even get involved in what's going on with ME either! Did you not tell me about the man murdered my parents because you thought it might distract me from focusing on you all the time? God forbid I think about my own problems instead of concentrating on fixing yours!"

"Of course that wasn't it!" Ed's snapped, his antenna was quivering with suppressed anger. "We didn't want to say something that would make you cry again!

Winry jumped to her feet. She could hear a rushing sound in her head, like a dam bursting. "That's your damn excuse? It's not just that you can't honestly communicate your own emotions to me, you can't even handle_seeing _me express _my_ emotions! That's why you didn't tell me what you knew about the most important thing that ever happened to me! Well, did you succeed in preserving my innocent happiness? Or did you see me cry when I was face to face with him? Did you see me cry when I put a bullet through his brain?_"_

_"You-"_

"Brother, calm down," Al said quickly, putting his hand on Ed's shoulder. "Winry has been through a lot-"

Ed shrugged out of Al's grip and faced Winry, eyes flashing.

"Winry," he said, his voice loud and harsh. "You're right."

The rushing in her brain suddenly muted. She blinked at Ed. "What?

Ed's shoulders slumped. "You're right." His voice cracked. "What happened…was all my damn fault. That's why I broke the automail…I want you to hit me. As hard as you can. Right in the face. I deserve it."

"I…." Winry felt like she was probably the one who looked like a goldfish now.

He fell to his knees. "I'm serious!" He pleaded in a raw, scratchy voice. "I was the one who dragged you into it. I got you involved. but I was too afraid to tell you what was really going on…and it had horrible consequences. This is not something you should bear the weight of. I'm the one to blame. I'm the one who should carry his death. It never would have happened if it weren't for me. So don't lie in here blaming yourself!" He bowed his head, his shoulders shaking., "Blame me! Just take it all out on me! I know I owe you that much!"

Winry stared at him, speechless. Their positions were reversed from before, she was looming over his crouched body.

"Brother, don't-" Al said, his voice shaking.

But Ed ignored him. He looked up at Winry with sad, earnest eyes . "Do it." he said,

She raised her fist, almost mechanically. He closed his eyes, bracing for the blow.

"Get the fuck over yourself, Ed,"

His eyes snapped open and he stared at her in confusion. She let her fist fall back down to her side. She had reached a point where she was so angry she like she was floating, delirious.

."I'm not just some new tragedy for you to martyr yourself over, some new wound for you to proudly carry. And i'm not going to punish you so you can feel better about things. You're not using me as an excuse to indulge in your masochism. I know it's hard for you to grasp but this is _not. about. you!" _She threw he last words at him as hard as she could.

Ed looked lost. "I-It's not like that! I thought it would make YOU feel better-

"If you'd even been listening to me at all, you'd have realized what would make me feel better is if you'd _just cut the macho bullshit for once and not make it about your pain! _If you'd just suck it up and actually tell me what the hell was going on once in a while!" Winry screamed,

She kicked his discarded automail arm, sending it flying across the room. Normally it would have hurt her foot, but her body was too numb to feel anything right now.

"I'm sorry, okay- I didn't mean-" Ed stammered. He was shaking slightly."Look, I'll do anything if it will help you feel normal again, I swear, I can help you go back to how it used to me, and then you can go home-"

Winry shook her head, breathing hard. She could feel tears pushing their way out now, try as she might to suppress them. "You don't understand have no idea what this means to me. I can't go back. I can't ever return to the way it was, to my normal life."

"No!" Ed cried, his voice broken. "No, that can't be true! Winry, Granny needs you, your customers need you, you have a happy full life…you have to go back…I promise, I promise I won't ever get you involved in anything again. I'll make sure not to even break my automail. You've done more than enough for us, saved us enough. We'll just stay away from you until it's all over and you can just pretend like we don't exist-

"This isn't something I'm going to just _get over!"_ Winry screamed, throwing her hands up into the air. "I know you want to just stash me away somewhere so you can go on your all-important quest and not have to think about me, but for once, let's consider that I'm tired of you abandoning me all the time, tired of not having a goddamn say in anything you do! But sure, what's relevant here is now you have an excuse not to talk to me at all! Just leave me behind and die in a fucking ditch somewhere, go ahead!"

Ed was looking up at her like he was afraid of her. Not in the usual "oh god, she's mad" kind of way, but like he genuinely didn't recognize the person standing before him and it terrified him. He looked just as vulnerable as he had after she'd shot Scar. Suddenly the smell of blood that she had been ignoring was overpowering again. The stench was suffocating her.

Al bowed his head. "We…didn't know it bothered you this much…"

"Of course you didn't," Winry choked out the words. "I always had to smile, and I had to pretend that everything was okay, I couldn't let you know how much it bothered me because _you_ already had so much to deal with! I didn't want to be selfish!" She shook her head. " You know, Ed, you once told me that you felt like your Mom hid how much being abandoned by your dad hurt her because she didn't want to make you two sad! I just realized, wow, I'm basically her aren't I?"

Ed winced when she mentioned his mother. He was shrinking in on himself, unable to speak. Normally this is when someone should stop, realize they were going this far. But she didn't care. He stolen a part of the parents she'd lost away from her and hadn't let her even see it until it was too late. Because of that she would be tainted in their ghostly eyes forever, no longer a daughter who could uphold their legacy. She wanted to steal some precious part of his lost mother too, she wanted to destroy some sacred part of his bond with his parents. Let him see how it felt.

"But I'm not just going to keep quiet about it anymore. I've seen what happens when you do," Tears were running down Winry's face now. Her throat hurt from screaming so her voice was growing hoarse and quiet. "I should have realized it earlier. Your mom, waiting and hoping for his return…. But your dad… no letters, no phone calls, he couldn't be bothered. Yeah, no need to let her know a damn thing."

She looked down at Ed and hissed, "It's strange you hate your dad so much. You're just fucking like him."

Ed's face crumpled and his mouth trembled slightly., Winry realized as she looked at the wet shimmer in his eyes that he was on the verge of crying. She has spent years wishing he would just let himself cry, but now she realized she didn't want to see it, she didn't want to see him break down, she didn't want to be the cause.

She rushed for the door, but Al caught her arm.

"We were wrong, and Brother may have said the wrong thing, but Winry, he cares about you more than anything, we both-"

"You are the last person I need giving me a _How Ed Feels _talk, Al. Not after all the hell I went through to get you to wise up to his secret guilt. I'm tired of being the keeper of Ed's feelings. I'm tired of being the keeper of_your _feelings! So _let me go! I'm leaving!" _She spat. Her tears were running so thick and fast that they felt heavy enough to carve little trenches down her face. She tried to to tug her arm out of Al's grip, but he refused to let go.

"I don't want you to be all alone in an unfamiliar city when you're feeling like this-"

"I won't be alone!" she shouted. "I'm going to Ms. Riza's! She told me I could go to her place whenever I felt overwhelmed!" She swallowed some of her tears down. "So get off me. Or do I still not get to have any choice about my own life?"

Al let go of her, his whole body wilting. "Okay….just take care of yourself. And please ask the Lieutenant to give us a call."

Winry ran without looking back. She didn't want to see the devastation she had left behind her.

Riza's eyes widened as she opened the door as saw Winry standing there, dripping with tears and sweat.

"Ms. Riza…" she fell forward, burying her face in the older woman's chest. "I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm a monster now…"

Riza stroked her hair. "I've seen real monsters and you could never be one."

"You don't understand," she sobbed. "Ed was just trying to help and I said horrible things…awful things…I can't take it back…I don't think he'll ever forgive me…he shouldn't forgive me…nobody should be around me anymore…"

"That boy loves you, Winry," Riza said softly. "Anyone who's been in the same place as you two for even a second can see that. You aren't going to get rid of him that easily. He'll be there for you through anything. So will Al."

She let Riza's words sink in. Loved her, huh. She had loved him too, before she'd lost the ability to love anything…. On some level, she'd already seen them as a couple, eternal partners, unchanging. It had been so simple. But that seemed like another world now. Now she was in a world she didn't know, where everything was raw and painful.

"I can't ever go back," she whispered into Riza's shirt. "It'll never be the same again."

"That's fine," Riza said, gently leading Winry into her house. "You'll both just have to keep moving forward."

**Author's note: ugh, this part was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I rewrote it like three times. I'm still not sure if I got it right but whatever, I need to work on other things.**

**It's probably a bad sign if you feel like you have to explain something, but this is my first canon divergence AU so I need to discuss why Ed and Winry clashed horribly here, when Ed was able to say the right thing and help Winry in canon.**

**Basically what happened here is all the shit that's building up inside Winry blows and it isn't pretty, especially combined with her post-traumatic stress. In the way things happened in the manga, Ed was able to fix things (partly) before it got to this point. He put himeself on the line, comforted Winry and supported her, let her cry on him. He was her emotional crutch for once, and he was able to show her that she could lean on him and dump her problems on him too, which relieved a lot of the pressure she felt. He was also able to communicate just how much he appreciated her. And of course, he told her everything and was honest with her from that point on. So Winry was able to find the emotional support and honest communication she wanted just when she needed it most, and that stopped her from breaking down and their relationship from suffering majorly.**

**Here, Ed has not gotten the opportunity to show Winry he can be her support to, has not gotten the opportunity to let her know just what she means to him, and hasn't gotten to that point of understanding and honest communication. That's because the consequences to his secret-keeping were so much greater here. Winry killing Scar sent him into a guilt spiral, because he tends to blame himself for his loved ones suffering. Moreover, Winry is so self-loathing and damaged now she wouldn't accept Ed's support, yet she still has all that resentment from always being his and from being lied to. So instead of realizing what Winry wants and honestly giving it to her, Ed is too wrapped up in hating himself for what he did to Winry, and he wants her to punish him, he wants to punish himself. But that's not what Winry needs or what will help her, it's just what he feels he deserves, so it backfires spectacularly. And all the shit Winry feels comes bursting out. **

**Basically, things just got too fucked up between them. They're strong people who still have a strong bond though. We'll have to see if they can repair themselves. **

**Anyway, next time- Lan Fan!**


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